No sooner had Xi Jinping at long last departed to the woods to live out his years bearishly, than did another revelation emerge from China: former premier Hu Jintao had occupied the important position of Grand National Cucker for years.
Obscure Chinese court texts from the Qing Dynasty mention the esteemed position. The emperors of long ago were often away warring or administrating faraway provinces in the kingdom; their wives were bored and often very undersexed. Thus a chosen man was granted exclusive access to the emperor’s wife: there, he could finger, wantonly shag or otherwise initiate sex in various positions. Or, if both felt knackered and not in the mood, they could just have a jolly nice chat and a cuppa.
“At first glance, you’d assume our interaction was him humiliating me like the egotistical dorkish plastic dictator prick he often is.” Hu mused, meditatively.
“However the truth was that it was already past time for me to be making my way to Peng Liyuan’s private quarters, where I’d initiate coitus for our decisive and harmonious joy.”
Narrating over the video, Jintao froze the above frame: “When I turned back to him, I was trying to ascertain if he wanted my member in the front, the back, or elsewhere. But he didn’t reply, just looked on in smug self-satisfaction…that’s how incompetent Xi is nowadays. He’s too proud to even give proper instructions. He even had us leaders wear gormless red commie nametags to the event, the big-nosed dipshit!”
More details of the sex were requested of Hu, but he refused with the following explanation: “Listen, I’m already 81 years old: I’m as old as Joe Biden! Joe and I share this abiding sense of national service very far into our seniority. The difference is he’s still in charge as the frontman, while I’m just serving Xi’s spouse as personal mentor and elder toyboy.”
Pressed further, Hu sighed and replied: “Okay, Peng favours doggy style. Ever since she was in her teens she’s had this intense passion going on for older guys which directly led to my appointment as Cucker. Also we occasionally partake in watching Tellytubbies together, as it brings us away from this disgusting environment of murderous court intrigue and horrific misrule, and back to simpler, happier times…”
